I've been doing a lot of talking about "the wait" lately. As we inch closer and closer to our entrance into the "waiting families" book at Lutheran Social Services, there are lots of questions about what that means for us. It doesn't mean that we now have a timeline on when we'll get a baby, we're not in a queue that will receive babies in order. Basically, it only means that we will broaden our outreach significantly and in a way that we know is effective. We started out at #30 on this waiting list six months ago. That means that in the last 6 months, 30 people have come out of the book. We don't know the circumstances behind the people leaving the book, but it's safe to assume that at least the majority of them matched with a birth mother and are no longer actively outreaching. This bodes very well for us - that's a lot of turnover so we're hoping it means good things ahead for us.
I read an article on "the wait" this morning and it really rang true for me. The article - which can be found here - listed the benefits of "the wait". I think this is a really neat perspective. I am the kind of person who always looks for the greater meaning behind things. I believe that most life situations are intended to teach you something - either about yourself, or about the world. I can look back at some of the hardest times in my life and see that those times were usually periods tremendous growth for me, and sometimes, if I'm lucky - I can see that there was great beauty in those times as well. So I like to think about what this is going to look like in hindsight. Here is some of what the article mentions:
Waiting has taught you to be more patient.Open adoption isn’t about instant gratification. It’s about waiting it out until the right opportunity comes along and then jumping on it before it slips away. What they say is true: good things really do come to those who wait.
I can only hope that this is the case. Patience has not always been my strong suit. I like to take action and struggle to sit and wait. There's no question that this entire experience has been a lesson on learning how to wait gracefully. Todd is better at this than I am, I think but there should be no question that we're learning more about patience now than we ever thought we'd experience (pre-children, anyway)!
It’s made you more appreciative.
Some biological parents take their children for granted. Not you. Waiting to adopt has taught you that parenting is a privilege, not a right. And that, in turn, has helped you to savor things that other people don’t think twice about–to enjoy the small things in life as much as the big ones.
Parenting is a privilege. Not a right. Is it painful and difficult to watch people have babies with virtually no conscious effort? Yes. But we know that everyone has their own cross to bear and we don't know everyone's stories. What we do know is that the baby we wind up getting will be the answer to more than 100 prayers. This time is giving us perspective. We pray for this, and we will never ever take this ultimate gift for granted.
It’s helped you become more resilient.
Adopting isn’t for sissies. Jumping through all of those hoops to get where you are today would have worn down plenty of other people. But you’re not only still standing. You’re standing tall–ready for the next challenge that comes your way.
I think we're getting better at this. I think Todd and I would both agree that the hardest part was not the beginning. It wasn't the background checks, or the physicals, or the 50 pages of paperwork we filled out regarding our backgrounds and parenting plans. It wasn't the home study (which we pretty much sailed through) or the classroom time or the online classes.
The hardest part of "the wait" has been just putting ourselves out there. It is uncomfortable to throw our lives out into the world for everyone to see and judge. On occasion, we have been judged harshly. The flip side of that is that the overwhelming warmth and support we have received from people (many of you strangers) wayyyyyy outweighs the negative encounters we've had. And those negative encounters have taught us things too.
We are definitely ready for the next challenge that comes our way. We're ready for our lives to be turned upside down. Every once in a while it gets real and scary - but I believe that those feelings aren't any different from what pregnant women experience. We're just human, but we're tough and determined and completely committed to this.
It’s turned you into a more loving person.
Going through the open adoption process can put even the strongest of relationships to the test. But you know that if you can get through this, you can get through just about anything. And be stronger for it, too.
I think we started out pretty loving. It's hard to gauge whether or not we've gotten MORE loving since we started this, but we've learned a lot about each other. We've been forced to lean on each other in ways that we never had to before. It's been a stressful couple of years on our marriage, but we've never questioned our committment to each other. This is the benefit of marrying your best friend, right? I think that with the development of patience comes a strengthening of love. We are a team. We will always be a team. And these big scary changes that come after this (big scary) wait seem maybe just a smidge less scary knowing that we're not going to have to go through them alone. We got each others backs.
It’s taught you to be more understanding.
Adopting a child requires a shift in thinking–in the way you think of yourself but also in the way that others think of you. Trying to explain open adoption to someone who’s never gone through it is like explaining what it’s like to live in a foreign country. Pat yourself on the back for handling all those pesky questions and comments with equanimity and grace.
I actually LOVE educating about the adoption process. I love talking about it. I think it's fascinating and exciting and wonderful. Unless you've been through it, you probably don't know anything about it. This is not something that's incredibly transparent in our society -- and trust me, the media is not a trustworthy source on this. So I welcome questions and love explaining what our journey has been like. I'm not shy about this - I'm a pretty open book.
That said, I've definitely had to change the way I think about myself. Pursuing adoption was an easy decision for me, but that doesn't mean that there's not a grieving process involved. It is frustrating and infuriating that I can't make my body do what it was designed to do and while I could not be more excited to be involved in adoption and building our family this way, I still have moments (days?) of frustration and grief that my body refuses to cooperate.
I'm not sure how the way other people see us has shifted. I'm not sure anyone was shocked when we announced that we wanted to adopt. I don't think anyone even questions that this is the right thing for us to be doing. We have this amazing network of friends and family who recognize family as something that goes far beyond whose blood flows through your veins. The reactions we received when we announced our plans were joy and excitement - so if there was a shift in the way they thought of us, we weren't involved in it!
It’s shown you how to become more flexible.
One thing you’ve got to say about open adoption: it takes you out of your comfort zone. Very quickly you’ve learned how to let go of your preconceptions about what it means to build a family and just go with the flow.
Out of our comfort zone?
Oh, ABSOLUTELY.
I am a person who loves order. I love schedules and timelines and knowing where I have to be and when I have to be there. Once upon a time I had one of these timelines for my life. Life has a way of taking your timeline, laughing at it, ripping it up, and setting it on fire. Not one single major life event has ever happened according to our timeline. So sure, we're learning flexibility. And trust. And I'm learning to let go of my timelines and my love of order and letting myself believe that God's got the timeline taken care of and I don't have to worry about it anymore.
(P.S. I still worry about it. But I'm working on it!)
It’s made you more compassionate.
Open adoption involves putting putting yourself in someone’s shoes and putting other people’s needs before your own. Even though this is your journey, you now understand that it’s not always about you.
One of the things I've been most afraid of is our (future) birthparents feelings.
It sounds weird, right?
I'm a very empathetic person. I don't want to cause anyone else pain, and the fact that pain is usually a part of this whole process is difficult for me. So - I don't know if I'm more compassionate now than I used to be, but believe me -- it's very definitely not always about me. It's so important to me that our (future) birthparents are comfortable with us and trust us - we know that this has to be one of the hardest decisions they've ever had to make and we want to somehow make it as easy is it can be.
It’s taught you to be more trusting.
Open adoption is a leap of faith. You never know when “the Call” will come or who it will come from. You need to trust your instincts and believe that everything will work out just the way it was supposed to. If you don’t, you know that you’re going to have a very difficult road ahead of you.
This may be the hugest area of growth for us.
From almost the first moment on this journey I felt this spirituality in me just open up. I had to let go. This - none of this - is happening according to the timeline I mentioned earlier. It's not on our timeline at all, though I truly believe that it's meant to happen and will happen someday. I can't tell you how many prayers we've said in the last year (and add those to all the prayers that you've been saying for us). Right now - we're running on trust. It will happen. It will. When it's supposed to.
It’s shown you how to be more realistic.
At first, you vowed to be a parent in six months. Then in eight months. Then in twelve. Now more than 20 months have gone by and you’re still not a parent. Good thing you’ve learned to manage your expectations and how to put things in perspective.
We had a response to our outreach within days after we began our "media blitz".
I truly thought that we would find our match like...immediately. Like the article says -- first in 6 months, then in 8 months, etc. It then occurred to us (with a few sort of rough reminders) that not everyone loves us. Not everyone would choose for us to be parents. So - we know it might not happen as quickly as we thought. This is where the patience and trust comes in...
It’s made you more hopeful.
Open adoption is about building families. But it’s also about building dreams. So while your match may not have come as quickly as you would liked, it doesn’t mean it won’t come at all.
At the root of all this - the highs and lows -- there is hope. Hope that our family will grow -- soon! Hope that we'll have a healthy, happy, loving relationship with our future birth family. Hope that we'll have a happy, healthy baby. Hope that - at the end of all this, we can look back and see it as a time of tremendous growth and beauty.
It’s shown you how to be more grateful.
Waiting to adopt has surprised you in many ways. It’s proven just how strong you really are. Not everyone survives this part of the process. But you have–with flying colors. And that’s nothing to take for granted.
We are grateful for so much -- for the gifts we've already been given. The house that we love, the animals that we count as family. We're grateful for our family and friends. We're grateful for our jobs. We're grateful for all of YOU - out there supporting us even though we've never met most of you. It's not been a completely smooth road, but we've learned a lot about the awesomeness that the kindness and support of strangers can bring to our lives.
We have so much to be grateful for - we have a beautiful life. We just can't wait to see it grow. :)
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