Wednesday, June 20, 2012

God Laughed

I know it looks like we completely abandoned this blog. 

That’s not the case!
In fact, I’ve been composing this blog entry for the better part of the last month.  Still, I have no idea how to even begin.  So, I guess the best way to move forward is to first move backwards….

We began our adoption journey when we ran into ongoing troubles and obstacles to having our own children. Not only would my body not cooperate, but any time we sought assistance we were discouraged and redirected.   I knew, anyway, that I was never going to be interested in doing anything intrusive to conceive my own children.  I believed that if my body wasn’t capable of doing this thing on its own (or with a gentle nudge), then this wasn’t what I was meant to be doing.  So, Todd and I had many long long talks about what our fertility issues meant, and about the calling I felt towards adoption.  We began to think that adoption was the path we were supposed to be on.  Then, financially, everything fell into place and we became convinced.  This was where we were supposed to be.  This is what we were supposed to be doing. 
Along the way there have been many ups and downs.  I originally thought that since the decision was basically such a simple one for us, it would be simple for us to move through it, but I was wrong.  Even though adoption was what I felt called to do, I still experienced doubts and a grieving process that I never expected.  Each time someone became pregnant, I had to re-learn how to exhibit the proper emotional responses.  I figured with time this would become easier.  I started to make peace with the idea that this would never be me.  In fact, there may not be children in our lives at all,  and maybe THAT was God’s plan for us.   I spent a lot of time trying to make peace with that idea.  It  would not necessarily be the life we would choose for ourselves, but it was a life we could make the best out of if we had to.  One way or another, we would be okay.

And then, God laughed.
And if you know anything about us by now, you know that we have a deep appreciation for laughter.  It's one of our very favorite things.  We named our blog after it.  Still, it can be a little unsettling when it comes from God.  In fact, it can downright turn your life upside down. 

All this is to say that we have an announcement to make – and believe me when I say that it’s not the one we thought we would be making. 
We’re going to have a baby.

That is, *I’M* going to have a baby. 
This broken, stubborn, frustrating body is currently making bones and eyeballs and fingernails for the little baby growing inside of it.  And there is nobody on the planet more surprised than me. 
I’m due December 22nd.  That means that right this minute I am 13 weeks and 3 days pregnant.

So – how did this happen?  Well, I’m going to assume you know how it *happened*.  But aside from the obvious, we don’t really know.  Remember the procedure I had last November?  I skimmed over the details back then, but basically what happened is that (WARNING:  girl part things ahead -- if you can't stomach girl part things, skip on ahead to the next paragraph)  they removed a troublesome fibroid that had been lodged at the entrance to my cervix and was causing all KINDS of unpleasant shenanigans.  I'm going to spare you the gory details, but life was pretty miserable there for a while.  My most scientific guess would be that the removal of that fibroid allowed my body to work the way it’s supposed to.  Even though I didn't believe that the surgery would improve my fertility, given that I have other underlying issues - it's the most scientifically logical explanation.
But really?  It happened because of God.  Because – no matter what we had planned or how we were trying to direct our lives, God was always still in charge and He insisted on waiting until the timing was perfect. 
And this is perfect timing.  It’s unbelievable.  And thrilling.  And terrifying.   

We have a long road ahead of us, and there are several risk factors – so we’re just praying like crazy for a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby.  This is, without question, the scariest thing I’ve ever done.
What does it mean for our adoption?  For now it means we’re “on hold”.  Our adoption efforts have ceased while we turn our focus to learning more about healthy pregnancy.  This doesn’t mean we no longer want to adopt.  Adoption is something that is very close to our hearts.  Our agency will make us wait one year from the time of birth before we can adopt a child – and frankly, we have no idea what else God has in store for us so we’re just keeping our minds open at this point.  We’ll see what happens.  As it turns out, we are not driving this ship. J

I do plan to keep the blog alive – although obviously the scope will change.  I’ve been writing things for a while now as we waited to break this news.  I still have a hard time believing it’s real, so I often required “proof” before telling a new group of people.  And, well…there’s proof. 
Please meet our little “Nerdlet”.  You’ll be hearing a lot about this little peanut from here on out…

Still a little fuzzy faced - but with cute tiny arms!