Henry could not be less impressed with Mother's Day.
What a difference a year makes.I think this and feel this so often, but
today seems like a good day to acknowledge that.One year ago today I surprised my family by
announcing that I was pregnant.We weren’t
sure we were going to announce it so early- I was afraid to jinx it.It
didn’t seem real yet, and I was still wrapping my own head around how quickly
everything turned around for us.We were
just figuring out how to navigate those early days of pregnancy and I was
learning some tough lessons about how difficult it is to keep your mouth shut
when you’re carrying around a secret as big as the world.
This morning I woke up to the sound of squealing, screeching
and laughter coming over the monitor.Todd and I lay in bed and giggled at how loud and enthusiastic that
little stinker is at 5 in the morning.Eventually everything went quiet again and we didn’t hear anything else until notably less jubilant sounds erupted over the
monitor at shortly after 7.I had asked
Todd to be the one to get up with Henry this morning so that I could sleep
in.If there was any doubt about whether
or not this guy is a daddy’s boy, it should be cast out with the proof that on
the one day (since he was BORN) that I asked Todd to get up with him – the
little bugger slept in with us.(Also –
7 a.m. officially counts as sleeping in for us now).
I’m feeling very blessed.We are so overwhelmed with love and support – we always have been.Looking back it’s pretty clear that there
were times when we were held up only by the love and prayers of those around
us.We are surrounded by beautiful
people.I’m so thankful for my own mom –
for a million and one reasons that I can’t even begin to list.For being the best mom I ever could have
asked for (even though she was, truly, the meanest mom in the whole wide
world), and for teaching me about the
kind of mom I want to be to my own children.I am thankful for my sister – also a mother – without whom I would NEVER
have survived my pregnancy and these first 5 months of mommyhood.If I wasn’t googling it, I was emailing her
with it and – even when I’ve felt like a failure, she’s propped me up and let
me know that we are all okay.I am
thankful for my friends – every last one of them – near and far – who have
offered support, advise, and a safe place to be at my highest and lowest
moments during this pregnancy journey.You guys?You see?We are so so blessed.
I have found myself on this – my first Mother’s Day – thinking
most strongly of those who are still waiting to be moms.I haven’t forgotten where I came from or how
drastically my path shifted in such a short period of time.I
understand that this can be a tough day, and so I send out prayers for peace to
all of those who still wait, who still struggle, who are still angry or depressed
or clinging ferociously to hope.My
heart is with you.I get it.
So, it’s finally spring time here!The last month has been cold and snowy.Maybe even more cold and snowy than it was
when you were born – way back in December. We even set records for snow just a couple of days ago (on May 2nd) so -- welcome to the world! I promise it gets warmer! Jeez.
We’ve spent a lot of time cooped up indoors, but we did manage to get
you out for your first outdoor adventure on one of the few sunny/warmish
days.It was your first time in your
stroller and you loved it!We went for a
walk.We didn’t go very far because I
wasn’t sure how much you were going to like it (and it was still kind of cold)
but you did so good!It completely wiped
you out and you were ready for bed very early that night too.I can’t wait until it’s actually nice outside
consistently so we can take advantage of all that fresh air.I’m excited about the weather finally warming
up so I can show you how cool the world is and how fun it is to be outside
(when it’s not snowing, sleeting, raining, freezing, or unbearably windy.Yeah.It’s been a long winter).
You’ve grown so much in the last month.I remember taking your 19 week picture and
thinking about how much different I thought you looked from your 18 week
picture.How could you change so much in
one week?!You are grabbing hold of
things more regularly now and sometimes without us even noticing.It’s not uncommon for your hands to appear
out of nowhere clutching your burp rag, blanket, or whatever else happened to
be close by (including my hair - which is a frequent reminder of how badly I need a haircut).You’re really learning how
to use them and I think you’re enjoying learning about textures as well.I tuck a pillow under you when I nurse you,
and when I sit you up to burp after we’re done, you like to run your hands back
and forth along the pillow letting your fingertips and nails scratch against
it.You also like to do this to my hands
while you’re nursing and I have come away more than once with red welts from
where you really dug in.You’re still a
tiny little dude, but those nails are fierce!
You are <almost> flipping over! At first you could only do it if we put you on your belly and
tucked one arm underneath you. Then one afternoon I plopped you on the floor (on your back) and stepped back to take care of something and when I looked back at you - you had practically flipped all the way over all by yourself. There was an infomercial on TV and you were very interested in learning more about that lawn trimmer. I do hope that is a sign of how helpful you're going to be with the yardwork in the future!
Nerdy like Daddy
You've also gotten squirmy in your crib. You've slowly but surely been scooting around so that we find you at a different angle than where we left you the night before. Lately you wake us up in the middle of the night as you kick the soother we having hanging on your crib side while you work on scootching all over. This morning you were laying in the exact opposite direction from where you were put to bed last night, with your soother music on, foot resting on the on/off button, and hands gripping the toy giraffe your dad hung from the crib railing the other day. You were having an early morning jam session. We walked in to big smiles, like you were just so happy that someone finally showed up to your party!
You’re still completely crazy about your daddy.A couple weeks ago you had your 4 month
check-up and they had to give you two shots.You were furious.We comforted
you in the doctors office and then I took you home and you slept for 3
hours.When you woke up, you were still
pretty cranky and fussy.Then your dad
came home and you lit up like Christmas.You don’t respond to anybody like you respond to your dad.You smile and squeal and giggle at almost
everything he does.It’s truly a special
relationship and I can’t wait to watch it evolve.
Speaking of cranky - your temperament these days is...shall we say...mercurial. To strangers I will describe you as a laid back, easygoing, good natured baby. All your pictures (well, almost all) reflect this as well. And I'm not saying that's not who you are because it definitely is. You are my little ray of sunshine and your little voice lights up our whole worlds. But man - you can flip that switch on a dime. There is very little warning before those sweet smiles turn into gutteral screams. You are probably just keeping us on our toes, making sure that we don't get too comfortable - and you're doing a good job at that. It is during these times that we long for days when our communication is a little less confusing. I don't know who you got this from - but some days you are a regular roller coaster ride!
Some bad things happened in the world during the last month
and sometimes I wonder what kind of scary world you’re going to inherit.I look at the world differently since you
came along.At one of our pre-natal
visits, our doctor was joking with us how someday we would be somewhere and
someone else would be just innocently occupying the same place – doing nothing
but minding their own business – and we would look at that person and think
about how much bodily damage we would do to them if they dared to hurt our
child.I haven’t had that exact moment
yet, but every scary thing that happens in the world makes me think about how
we would protect you.I don’t think the
scary stuff is going to go away – so if you have to deal with it, here’s the
way I’d like you to look at it.
For every 1 awful person who hurts other people and makes
the world a scarier place to live – there are thousands and thousands of people
who are basically good.And when
something awful happens – those people all come together and rally around and
show their beauty and their goodness in ways that help heal the human spirit
and offer hope to the hopeless.I feel
like this makes the world just a little less scary.It’s also okay to take a piece of advice from
Mr. Rogers (who you may not ever know, but trust me, I grew up with him and he
was full of good advice for kids) – and look for the helpers.
“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news,
my mother would say to me, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people
who are helping.” To this day, especially in times of “disaster,” I remember my
mother’s words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so
many helpers – so many caring people in this world.”
There are always going to be people rushing towards the
scary thing to make it better.They want
to help the people who need help and to figure out who the bad guys are and
make sure they can’t hurt any more people.Seeing and knowing that there are always going to be helpers also makes
the world a little less scary.
Of course I’d rather that you didn’t have to think of the helpers.I wish that you would never encounter a
situation where you’d need to train your brain to find the positives.I wish I could protect you from all the ways
that the world is going to hurt you (and it will, and I’m sorry) – but I can’t,
and honestly, even if I could, it would probably be doing you a huge
disservice.There’s a lot of positive
growth and learned resilience that comes out of the ways that the world hurts
you.I guess the more important lesson
here is that you don’t let it beat you down, you don’t let it defeat you, you
don’t let it strip you of your values, your sense of humor, and your ability to
see all the beauty and joy that also still exists, even in the middle of the
really yucky times.Don’t let anger and
fear win out over love because in the end – love is always stronger.
I know that's pretty heavy stuff for a 5 month old. I just want to make sure we always talk about the important stuff so that you always know where I stand. In case you missed it, that is right behind you. No worries.
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